The moment two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency. The
first sight of you is a brilliant holograph. It burns its way into your new
acquaintance’s eyes and can stay emblazoned in his or her memory forever.
Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting emotional
response. I have a friend, Robert Grossman, an accomplished caricature
artist who draws regularly for Forbes, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated,
Rolling Stone and other popular North American publications. Bob has a
unique gift for capturing not only the physical appearance of his subjects,
but zeroing in on the essence of their personalities. The bodies and souls of
hundreds of luminaries radiate from his sketch pad. One glance at his
caricatures of famous people and you can see, for instance, the insecure
arrogance of Madonna, the imperiousness of Newt Gingrich, the bitchiness
of Leona Helmsley.
Sometimes at a party, Bob will do a quick sketch on a cocktail napkin of
a guest. Hovering over Bob’s shoulder, the onlookers gasp as they watch
their friend’s image and essence materialize before their eyes. When he’s
finished drawing, he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject.
Often a puzzled look comes over the subject’s face. He or she usually
mumbles some politeness like, ‘Well, er, that’s great. But it really isn’t me.’
The crowd’s convincing crescendo of ‘Oh yes it is!’ drowns the subject
out and squelches any lingering doubt. The confused subject is left to stare
back at the world’s view of himself or herself in the napkin.
Once when I was visiting Bob’s studio, I asked him how he could capture
people’s personalities so well. He said, ‘It’s simple. I just look at them.’
‘No,’ I asked, ‘How do you capture their personalities? Don’t you have
to do a lot of research about their lifestyle, their history?’
‘No, I told you, Leil, I just look at them.’
‘Huh?’
He went on to explain, ‘Almost every facet of people’s personalities is
evident from their appearance, their posture, the way they move. For
instance …’ he said, calling me over to a file where he kept his caricatures
of political figures.
‘See,’ Bob said, pointing to angles on various presidential body parts,
‘here’s the boyishness of Clinton,’ showing me his half smile; ‘the
awkwardness of George Bush,’ pointing to his shoulder angle; ‘the charm
of Reagan,’ putting his finger on the ex-president’s smiling eyes; ‘the
shiftiness of Nixon,’ pointing to the furtive tilt of his head. Digging a little
deeper into his file, he pulled out Franklin Delano Roosevelt and, pointing
to the nose high in the air, ‘Here’s the pride of FDR.’ It’s all in the face and
the body.
First impressions are indelible. Why? Because in our fast-paced
information-overload world of multiple stimuli bombarding us every
second, people’s heads are spinning. They must form quick judgments to
make sense of the world and get on with what they have to do. So,
whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental snapshot. That
image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time.
Your body shrieks before your lips can speak
Is their data accurate? Amazingly enough, yes. Even before your lips part
and the first syllable escapes, the essence of YOU has already axed its way
into their brains. The way you look and the way you move is more than 80
per cent of someone’s first impression of you. Not one word need be
spoken.
I’ve lived and worked in countries where I didn’t speak the native
language. Yet, without one understandable syllable spoken between us, the
years proved my first impressions were on target. Whenever I met new
colleagues, I could tell instantly how friendly they felt toward me, how
confident they were, and approximately how much stature they had in the
company. I could sense, just from seeing them move, which were the
heavyweights and which were the welterweights.
I have no extrasensory skill. You’d know, too. How? Because before you
have had time to process a rational thought, you get a sixth sense about
someone. Studies have shown emotional reactions occur even before the
brain has had time to register what’s causing that reaction.4 Thus the
moment someone looks at you, he or she experiences a massive hit, the
impact of which lays the groundwork for the entire relationship. Bob told
me he captures that first hit in creating his caricatures.
Deciding to pursue my own agenda for How to Talk to Anyone, I asked,
‘Bob, if you wanted to portray somebody really cool – you know,
intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fascinating, caring, interested in
other people …’
‘Easy,’ Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was getting at. ‘Just
give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct
gaze.’ It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.
How to look like a somebody
A friend of mine, Karen, is a highly respected professional in the homefurnishings business. Her husband is an equally big name in the
communications field. They have two small sons.
Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone pays
deference to her. She’s a Very Important Person in that world. Her
colleagues at conventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chatting
with her and, they hope, be photographed rubbing elbows with her for
industry bibles like Home Furnishings Executive and Furniture World.
Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to
communications functions, she might as well be a nobody. When she takes
her kids to school functions, she’s just another mum. She once asked me,
‘Leil, how can I stand out from the crowd so people who don’t know me
will approach me and at least assume I’m an interesting person?’ The
techniques in this section accomplish precisely that. When you use the next
nine techniques, you will come across as a special person to everyone you
meet. You will stand out as a Somebody in whatever crowd you find
yourself in, even if it’s not your crowd.
Let’s start with your smile.
Smile quick? or smile special?
In 1936, one of Dale Carnegie’s six musts in How to Win Friends and
Influence People was SMILE! His edict has been echoed each decade by
practically every communications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth
to microphone. However, at the turn of the millennium, it’s high time we reexamine the role of the smile in high-level human relations. When you dig
deeper into Dale’s dictum, you’ll find a 1936 quick smile doesn’t always
work. Especially nowadays.
The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today’s
sophisticated crowd. Look at world leaders, negotiators, and corporate
giants. Not a smiling sycophant among them. Key Players in all walks of
life enrich their smile so, when it does erupt, it has more potency and the
world smiles with them.
Researchers have catalogued dozens of different types of smiles. They
range from the tight rubber band of a trapped liar to the soft squishy smile
of a tickled infant. There are warm smiles and cold smiles. There are real
smiles and fake smiles. (You’ve seen plenty of those plastered on the faces
of friends who say they’re ‘delighted you decided to drop by,’ and
presidential candidates visiting your city who say they’re ‘thrilled to be in,
uh … uh …’) Big Winners know their smile is one of their most powerful
weapons, so they’ve fine-tuned it for maximum impact.
How to fine-tune your smile
I have an old college friend named Missy who, just last year, took over her
family business, a company supplying corrugated boxes to manufacturers.
One day she called saying she was coming to New York to court new
clients and she invited me to dinner with several of her prospects. I was
looking forward to once again seeing my friend’s quicksilver smile and
hearing her contagious laugh. Missy was an incurable giggler, and that was
part of her charm.
When her Dad passed away last year, she told me she was taking over the
business. I thought Missy’s personality was a little bubbly to be a CEO in a
tough business. But, hey, what do I know about the corrugated box biz?
She, I, and three of her potential clients met in the cocktail lounge of a
midtown restaurant and, as we led them into the dining room, Missy
whispered in my ear, ‘Please call me Melissa tonight.’
‘Of course,’ I winked back, ‘not many company presidents are called
Missy!’ Soon after the maitre d’ seated us, I began noticing Melissa was a
very different woman from the giggling girl I’d known in college. She was
just as charming. She smiled as much as ever. Yet something was different.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
Although she was still effervescent, I had the distinct impression
everything Melissa said was more insightful and sincere. She was
responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients, and I could tell
they liked her, too. I was thrilled because my friend was scoring a knockout
that night. By the end of the evening, Melissa had three big new clients.
Afterward, alone with her in the cab, I said, ‘Missy, you’ve really come a
long way since you took over the company. Your whole personality has
developed, well, a really cool, sharp corporate edge.’
‘Uh uh, only one thing has changed,’ she said.
‘What’s that?’
‘My smile,’ she said.
‘Your what?’ I asked incredulously.
‘My smile,’ she repeated as though I hadn’t heard her. ‘You see,’ she
said, with a distant look coming into her eyes, ‘when Dad got sick and
knew in a few years I’d have to take over the business, he sat me down and
had a life-changing conversation with me. I’ll never forget his words. Dad
said, “Missy, Honey, remember that old song, ‘I Loves Ya, Honey, But Yer
Feet’s Too Big?’” Well, if you’re going to make it big in the box business,
let me say, “I loves ya, Honey, but your smile’s too quick.”
‘He then brought out a yellowed newspaper article quoting a study he’d
been saving to show me when the time was right. It concerned women in
business. The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate
life were perceived as more credible.’
As Missy talked, I began to think about women like Margaret Thatcher,
Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Madeleine Albright, and other powerful women
of their ilk. True, they were not known for their quick smiles.
Missy continued, ‘The study went on to say a big, warm smile is an asset.
But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility.’
From that moment on, Missy explained, she gave clients and business
associates her big smile. However, she trained her lips to erupt more slowly.
Thus her smile appeared more sincere and personalized for the recipient.
That was it! Missy’s slower smile gave her personality a richer, deeper,
more sincere cachet. Though the delay was less than a second, the
recipients of her beautiful big smile felt it was special, and just for them.
I decided to do more research on the smile. When you’re in the market
for shoes, you begin to look at everyone’s feet. When you decide to change
your hairstyle, you look at everyone’s haircut. Well, for several months, I
became a steady smile watcher. I watched smiles on the street. I watched
smiles on TV. I watched the smiles of politicians, the clergy, corporate
giants, and world leaders. My findings? Amidst the sea of flashing teeth and
parting lips, I discovered the people perceived to have the most credibility
and integrity were just ever so slower to smile. Then, when they did, their
smiles seemed to seep into every crevice of their faces and envelop them
like a slow flood. Thus I call the following technique The Flooding Smile.
Technique 1:
The flooding smile
Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though
anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary.
Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in
their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your
face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a
warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding
smile is genuine and only for them.
Let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most powerful
communications tools you possess, your eyes.
How to detonate those grenades resting on your nose
It’s only a slight exaggeration to say Helen of Troy could sink ships with
her eyes and Davy Crockett could stare down a bear. Your eyes are personal
grenades that have the power to detonate people’s emotions. Just as martial
arts masters register their fists as lethal weapons, you can register your eyes
as psychological lethal weapons when you master the following eye-contact
techniques.
Big Players in the game of life look beyond the conventional wisdom that
teaches ‘Keep good eye contact.’ For one, they understand that to certain
suspicious or insecure people, intense eye contact can be a virulent
intrusion.
When I was growing up, my family had a Haitian housekeeper whose
fantasies were filled with witches, warlocks and black magic. Zola refused
to be left alone in a room with Louie, my Siamese cat. ‘Louie looks right
through me – sees my soul,’ she’d whisper to me fearfully.
In some cultures, intense eye contact is sorcery. In others, staring at
someone can be threatening or disrespectful. Realizing this, Big Players in
the international scene prefer to pack a book on cultural body-language
differences in their carry-on rather than a Berlitz phrase book. In our
culture, however, Big Winners know exaggerated eye contact can be
extremely advantageous, especially between the sexes. In business, even
when romance is not in the picture, strong eye contact packs a powerful
wallop between men and women.
A Boston centre conducted a study to learn the precise effect.5 The
researchers asked opposite-sex individuals to have a two-minute casual
conversation. They tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense eye
contact by directing them to count the number of times their partner
blinked. They gave the other half of the subjects no special eye-contact
directions for the chat.
When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspecting blinkers
reported significantly higher feelings of respect and fondness for their
colleagues who, unbeknown to them, had simply been counting their blinks.
I’ve experienced the closeness intense eye contact engenders with a
stranger firsthand. Once, when giving a seminar to several hundred people,
one woman’s face in the crowd caught my attention. The participant’s
appearance was not particularly unique. Yet she became the focus of my
attention throughout my talk. Why? Because not for one moment did she
take her eyes off my face. Even when I finished making a point and was
silent, her eyes stayed hungrily on my face. I sensed she couldn’t wait to
savour the next insight to spout from my lips. I loved it! Her concentration
and obvious fascination inspired me to remember stories and make
important points I’d long forgotten.
Right after my talk, I resolved to seek out this new friend who was so
enthralled by my speech. As people were leaving the hall, I quickly sidled
up behind my big fan. ‘Excuse me,’ I said. My fan kept walking. ‘Excuse
me,’ I repeated a tad louder. My admirer didn’t vary her pace as she
continued out the door. I followed her into the corridor and tapped her
shoulder gently. This time she whirled around with a surprised look on her
face. I mumbled some excuse about my appreciating her concentration on
my talk and wanting to ask her a few questions.
‘Did you, uh, get much out of the seminar?’ I ventured.
‘Well, not really,’ she answered candidly. ‘I had difficulty understanding
what you were saying because you were walking around on the platform
facing different directions.’
In a heartbeat, I understood. The woman was hearing impaired. I did not
captivate her as I had suspected. She was not intrigued by my talk as I had
hoped. The only reason she kept her eyes glued on my face was because she
was struggling to read my lips!
Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and inspiration
during my talk that, tired as I was, I asked her to join me for coffee. I spent
the next hour recapping my entire seminar just for her. Powerful stuff this
eye contact.
Sticky eyes also means intelligent eyes
There is yet another argument for intense eye contact. In addition to
awakening feelings of respect and affection, maintaining strong eye contact
gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker.
Because abstract thinkers integrate incoming data more easily than concrete
thinkers, they can continue looking into someone’s eyes even during the
silences. Their thought processes are not distracted by peering into their
partner’s peepers.6
Back to our valiant psychologists. Yale University researchers, thinking
they had the unswerving truth about eye contact, conducted another study
which, they assumed, would confirm ‘the more eye contact, the more
positive feelings.’ This time, they directed subjects to deliver a personally
revealing monologue. They asked the listeners to react with a sliding scale
of eye contact while their partners talked.
The results? All went as expected when women told their personal stories
to women. Increased eye contact encouraged feelings of intimacy. But,
whoops, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too
long by another man. Other men felt threatened. Some few even suspected
their partner was more interested than he should be and wanted to slug him.
Your partner’s emotional reaction to your profound gaze has a biological
base. When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and
shoots an adrenaline-like substance gushing through their veins.7 This is the
same physical reaction people have when they start to fall in love. And
when you consciously increase your eye contact, even during normal
business or social interaction, people will feel they have captivated you.
Men talking to women and women talking to men or women: use the
following technique, which I call Sticky Eyes, for the joy of the recipient –
and for your own advantage. (Men, I’ll have a man-to-man modification of
this technique for you in a moment.)
Technique 2:
Sticky eyes
Pretend your eyes are glued to your Conversation Partner’s with sticky
warm toffee. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished
speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly,
stretching the gooey toffee until the tiny string finally breaks.
What about men’s eyes?
Now gentlemen: when talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky Eyes. Just
make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other
men, lest your listener feel threatened or misinterpret your intentions. But
do increase your eye contact slightly more than normal with men on day-today communications – and a lot more when talking to women. It broadcasts
a visceral message of comprehension and respect.
I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an
arrogant chap. He doesn’t mean to, but sometimes his brusque manner
makes it look like he’s running roughshod over people’s feelings.
Once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant, I told him
about the Sticky Eyes technique. I guess he took it to heart. When the waiter
came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly blurting out his
order with his nose in the menu, looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his
order for the appetizer, and kept his eyes on the waiter’s for an extra second
before looking down again at the menu to choose the main dish. I can’t tell
you how different Sammy seemed to me just then! He came across as a
sensitive and caring man, and all it took was two extra seconds of eye
contact. I saw the effect it had on the waiter, too. We received exceptionally
gracious service the rest of the evening.
A week later Sammy called me and said, ‘Leil, Sticky Eyes has changed
my life. I’ve been following it to a T. with women, I make my eyes real
sticky, and with men slightly sticky. And now everybody’s treating me with
such deference. I think it’s part of the reason I’ve made more sales this
week than all last month!’
If you deal with customers or clients in your professional life, Sticky Eyes
is a definite boon to your bottom line. To most people in our culture,
profound eye contact signals trust, knowledge, an ‘I’m here for you’
attitude.
Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medicine that has the
power to kill or cure, the next eye-contact technique has the potential to
captivate or annihilate.
Bring on the big guns
Now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery: very sticky eyes or superglue
eyes. Let’s call them Epoxy Eyes. Big Bosses use Epoxy Eyes to evaluate
employees. Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to intimidate suspected
criminals. And clever Romeos use Epoxy Eyes to make women fall in love
with them. (If romance is your goal, Epoxy Eyes is a proven aphrodisiac.)
The Epoxy Eyes technique takes at least three people to pull off – you,
your target, and one other person. Here’s how it works: Usually, when
you’re chatting with two or more people, you gaze at the person who is
speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique suggests you concentrate on
the listener – your target – rather than the speaker. This slightly disorients
Target and he or she silently asks, ‘Why is this person looking at me instead
of the speaker?’ Target senses you are extremely interested in his or her
reactions. This can be beneficial in certain business situations when it is
appropriate that you judge the listener.
Human resources professionals often use Epoxy Eyes, not as a technique,
but because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employee’s
reaction to certain ideas being presented. Lawyers, bosses, police
investigators, psychologists, and others who must examine subjects’
reactions also use Epoxy Eyes for analytical purposes.
When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with
complete confidence in yourself. But because Epoxy Eyes puts you in a
position of evaluating or judging someone else, you must be careful. Don’t
overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen. Technique 3:
Epoxy eyes
This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target
person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking,
keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact.
Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler,
yet effective, form: Watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to
your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This way Mr or Ms
Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is
relief from the intensity.
When love is on your mind
If romance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another message. It
says, ‘I can’t take my eyes off you’ or ‘I only have eyes for you.’
Anthropologists have dubbed eyes ‘the initial organ of romance’ because
studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with our heartbeat.8
It also
releases a druglike substance into our nervous system called
phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone detected in the human body
during erotic excitement, intense eye contact can be a turn-on.
Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women – if they find you
attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as
budding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, your Epoxy Eyes are
downright obnoxious. (Never use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings
or you could get arrested!)
Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song?
The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man
of distinction – a real big spender.
Good looking, so refined. Say wouldn’t you like to know what’s
going on in my mind?
The goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big spender.
Rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big Somebody the moment
people lay eyes on you. To that end, we now explore the most important
technique to make you look like a Very Important Person.
‘The minute you walked in the joint, I knew you were a real big
winner’
When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little hammer, your foot
jerks forward. Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction. Your body has another
instinctive reaction. When a big jolt of happiness hits your heart and you
feel like a Winner, your head jerks up automatically and you throw your
shoulders back. A smile frames your lips and softens your eyes.
This is the look Winners have constantly. They stand with assurance.
They move with confidence. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about
it! Good posture symbolizes you are a man or woman who is used to being
on top.
Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids’
shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling students, ‘Stand up
straight!’ hasn’t done the trick. We are a nation of slouchers. We need a
technique more stern than teachers, more persuasive than parents, to make
us stand like a Somebody.
In one profession, perfect posture, perfect equilibrium, perfect balance is
not only desirable – it’s a matter of life and death. One false move, one
slump of the shoulders, one hangdog look, can mean curtains for the highwire acrobat.
I’ll never forget the first time Mama took me to the circus. When seven
men and women raced into the centre ring, the crowd rose as though they
were all joined at the hips. They cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama
pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the
Great Wallendas, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person
pyramid without a net.
In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a Coke slurp was
heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda shouted cues in German
to their trusting relatives. The family meticulously and majestically
ascended into the position of a human pyramid. They then balanced
precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net
between them and sudden death. The vision was unforgettable.
To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven
Wallendas racing into the centre of the big top to take their bows. Each
perfectly aligned – head high, shoulders back – standing so tall it still didn’t
seem like their feet were touching the ground. Every muscle in their bodies
defined pride, success, and their joy of being alive. (Still!) Here is a
visualization technique to get your body looking like a Winner who is in the
habit of feeling that pride, success, and joy of being alive.
Your posture is your biggest success barometer
Imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat, master of the iron-jaw act
waiting in the wings of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus.
Soon you will dart into the centre ring to captivate the crowd with the
precision and balance of your body.
Before walking through any door – the door to your office, a party, a
meeting, even your kitchen – picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from
the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass
through the door, throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental
grip which first pulls your cheeks back into a smile, and then lifts you up.
As you ascend high above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into
perfect alignment – head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet
weightless. At the zenith of the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the
amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you.
Now you look like a Somebody.
One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how many times I
walked through a doorway. Sixty times, even at home. You calculate: twice
out your front door, twice in, six times to the bathroom, eight times to the
kitchen, and through countless doors at your office. It adds up. Visualize
anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is
the first mark of a Big Winner.
Technique 4:
Hang by your teeth
Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door
you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth,
let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you Hang by Your
Teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.
You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or
close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the most important
Somebody in the room).
You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray you as a Big
Winner. Like he said, ‘great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and
a direct gaze.’ The ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.
Now let’s put the whole act into motion. It’s time to turn your attention
outward to your Conversation Partner. Use the next two techniques to make
him or her feel like a million.
‘Well, how do you like me so far?’
Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the first words out
of his mouth are, ‘Well, how do you like me so far?’ The audience always
cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask that question. Whenever we
meet someone, we know, consciously or subconsciously, how they’re
reacting to us.
Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us? Do they
somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are? We like those
people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away, obviously unimpressed
by our magnificence. The cretins!
Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing
each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that bristles. But we do
have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands that flash knuckles or
subconsciously soften in the palms-up ‘I submit’ position. We have dozens
of other involuntary reactions that take place in the first few moments of
togetherness.
Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this. They pay
close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They watch to see how
fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you’re leaning
while answering their questions. They check out your hands. Are they softly
open, palms up, signifying acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or
are you making a slight fist, knuckles out, signalling rejection? They
scrutinize your face for the split seconds you break eye contact when
discussing relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages,
or the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant
whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note of your every
fidget.
An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitchand-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of
subtle body cues than males. Women, more sensitive to emotions than men,
often ask their husbands, ‘Is something bothering you, Honey?’ (These
supersensitive women accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to
emotions that they wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties
are drenched in her tears.)
The attorney and the assistant then review your ‘score’ on the dozens of
subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could find
yourself on jury duty or twiddling your thumbs back in the juror’s waiting
room.
Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the 1960s during
the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defence attorney William Kuntsler
actually made a legal objection to Judge Julius Hoffman’s posture. During
the summation by the prosecution, Judge Hoffman leaned forward which,
accused Kuntsler, sent a message to the jury of attention and interest.
During his defence summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman
leaned back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest.
You’re on trial – and you only have ten seconds!
Like lawyers deciding whether they want you on their case, everybody you
meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their
lives. They base their verdict greatly on the same signals, your bodylanguage answer to their unspoken question, ‘Well, how do you like me so
far?’
The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon which the
entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want anything from the
new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to their unspoken question, ‘How
do you like me so far?’ must be, ‘Wow! I really like you.’
When a little four-year-old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his arms up in
front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind mummy’s skirt. However,
when little Johnny sees daddy come home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his
eyes get wide, and he opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like
a tiny flower bud unfolding to the sunshine.
Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little difference.
When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps and folds his arms
in front of his chest. When he wants to reject a salesman or business
colleague, he turns away and closes him off with a myriad of body signals.
However, when welcoming his loved one home after an absence, big
Johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the
sun after a rainstorm.
Respond to the hidden infant
Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive recently
divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter with one of the
leading advertising agencies which, like so many companies then, had
downsized. My girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship.
At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both personally
and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood talking, one goodlooking corporate male beast or another would find himself within a few
feet of us. More often than not, one of these desirable males would flash his
teeth at Carla. She sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a
quick smile over her shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane
conversation as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she
was trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, ‘Why
doesn’t he come and speak to us?’
Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, due to Carla’s
minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle, I had to say, ‘Carla,
do you know who that was? He’s the head of the Young & Rubicam in
Paris. They’re looking for copywriters willing to relocate. And he’s single!’
Carla moaned.
Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee. ‘Hello!’ We
looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old Willie, the hostess’s
adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s skirt, obviously craving
attention.
‘Well, well, well,’ Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over her face.
Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down. Carla touched little Willie’s
elbow. And Carla crooned, ‘Well, hello there, Willie. How are you enjoying
mummy’s nice party?’
Little Willie beamed.
When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next
group of potential attention givers, Carla and I returned to our grown-up
conversing. During our chat, corporate beasts continued to stalk Carla with
their eyes. And Carla continued casting half smiles at them. She was
obviously disappointed none of them were making a further approach. I had
to bite my tongue. Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the
pressure of my teeth, I said, ‘Carla, have you been noticing that four or five
men have come over and smiled at you?’
‘Yes,’ Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the room lest
anyone overhear us.
‘And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,’ I continued.
‘Yes,’ she murmured, now confused at my question.
‘Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you
recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours, turned toward him,
and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation?’
‘Yee-es,’ she answered haltingly.
‘Well, I have a request, Carla. The next man who smiles at you, I want
you to give him that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn
toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out and touch his arm
like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him into our conversation.’
‘Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.’
‘Carla, do it!’ Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man
wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role to perfection. She
flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward him, and said, ‘Hello, come
join us.’ He wasted no time accepting Carla’s invitation.
After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my departure
because they were in animated conversation. The last glimpse I had of my
friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new
friend.
Just then the technique I call the Big-Baby Pivot was born. It is a skill
that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of
beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle.
Technique 5:
The big-baby pivot
Give everyone you meet the Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you
are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile,
the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny
tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours,
and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 per cent toward New
Person shouts ‘I think you are very, very special.’
Remember, deep inside everyone is a big baby rattling the crib, wailing out
for recognition of how very special he or she is.
The next technique reinforces their suspicion that they are, indeed, the
centre of the universe.
The secret to making people like you
A very wise man with the funny name of Zig9 once told me, ‘People don’t
care how much you know until they know how much you care … about
them.’ Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to making people like you is showing
how much you like them!
Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone
within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given moment. Even if your
Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile
and Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are
capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any
incongruence. Every inch – from the crinkle of your forehead to the
position of your feet – must give a command performance if you want to
effectively present an ‘I care about you’ attitude.
Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in overdrive.
Remember Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar? He said of Cassius, he ‘has a lean
and hungry look – he thinks too much – such men are dangerous.’ So it is
with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance. Our brains
become lean. (Some of us are fighting off shyness. Others are frantically
sizing up the situation.) And hungry (we’re deciding what, if anything, we
want from this potential relationship). So we think too much instead of
responding with candid, unselfconscious friendliness. Such actions are
dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce.
When our bodies are shooting off 10,000 bullets of stimuli every second,
a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility. We
need a technique to assure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject.
We need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly.
To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about any
shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language. It’s when we
feel none. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we
see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with, we respond
warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step
closer. Our arms reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms
turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.
How to trick your body into doing everything right
Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees
that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call it Hello Old
Friend.
When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In your mind’s
eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had a wonderful
relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost track of your friend. You
tried so hard to find your good buddy, but there was no listing in the phone
book. No information on-line. None of your mutual friends had a clue.
Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you
are reunited. You are so happy.
That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to
convince New Person that the two of you are really old friends. You are not
going to hug and kiss and say, ‘Great to see you again!’ or ‘How have you
been all these years?’ You merely say, ‘Hello,’ ‘How do you do,’ ‘I am
pleased to meet you.’ But, inside, it’s a very different story.
You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your face and
buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light,
you’d beam on the other person. If you were a dog, you’d be wagging your
tail. You make New Person feel very special indeed.
Technique 6:
Hello old friend
When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old
customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for).
How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy
mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you
with your long-lost old friend!
The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your
body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the
positioning of your toes – and everything between.
In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to another
participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The
group chats as though at a pleasant semi-formal gathering. Later I ask them
to introduce themselves to another stranger, imagining they are old friends.
The difference is extraordinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the
room comes alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air
sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing closer,
laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I feel like I’m
attending a terrific bash that’s been going on for hours.
Not a word need be spoken
The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. Whenever
you’re travelling in countries where you don’t speak the native tongue, be
sure to use it. If you find yourself with a group of people who are all
speaking a language unknown to you, just imagine them to be a group of
your old friends. Everything is fine except they momentarily forgot how to
speak English. In spite of the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole
body still responds with congeniality and acceptance.
I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while travelling in Europe.
Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there tell me their
European colleagues say I am the friendliest American they’ve ever met.
Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!
A self-fulfilling prophesy
An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a selffulfilling prophesy. When you act as though you like someone, you start to
really like them. An Adelphi University study called, appropriately,
‘Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviours Making the Beliefs
Come True’ proved it.10 Researchers told volunteers to treat unsuspecting
subjects as though they liked them. When surveyed later, the results showed
the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting
subjects were also surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher
respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them.
What it boils down to is: Love begets love, like begets like, respect begets
respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have many
new ‘old friends’ who wind up genuinely liking you.
You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a
Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over yet. In addition to
being liked, you want to appear credible, intelligent, and sure of yourself.
Each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals.
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